You Can Get Over It: How To Confront, Forgive, and Move On

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You thought you've completely moved on but you had a dream about an ex and wonder why you still have feelings for them. I am able to write this post only because I've gone through these situations myself.

Here is why having your heart broken is a good thing: because most of our fragile hearts have holes in them. There are wounds, some of which have healed entirely, some that have scabbed over, and some of which are still open. But because it has been shattered into a million little pieces, the light can shine through.

The takeaway

You are not broken. You have been cracked wide open. Wide enough to feel deep and hard. And I know that it hurts, but from that hurt you can begin to create a profound connection with yourself and others that wasn't possible before. Having your heart broken means being human. It means that you have a good, loving, and caring heart.

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Coaching and helping others through their pain over the years has taught me some profound lessons. The biggest being that any feelings, thought, or emotion you're going through - someone else has gone through the same. This is what connects us all.

You Can Get Over It: How to Confront, Forgive, and Move On (Unabridged)

I offer more guidance on self-compassion and love in my free guide here. Getting over a broken heart can take a lot of energy, work, and time. Don't try to force yourself or listen to anyone who says "just get over it". You might think you're over it, then have a dream about this person and get flushed with feeling all over again. It can take a long time, and that's okay, so be very gentle with yourself.

It helps to talk to someone about it like a trusted friend or coach for guidance moving through the feelings.

How to Deal With Feelings of Resentment and Move On After Being Deeply Hurt

Most people are very afraid of negative feelings and will do anything to avoid them. Remember that feelings can't hurt you. They are simply an energy that needs to move through you and move on.

How to Forgive and Let Go of Your Past

Let yourself cry. Remember that you're not crying for the other person, you're crying for yourself. To release the grief of the future that you saw with this person. It only existed in your mind, in the potential you could see, but it was there nonetheless. This is especially needed if you're feeling a lot of anger. Anger, sadness, anxiety, grief, depression, are all energies that want to be released from your body. One of the best ways to get the energy out is to get moving.

Go for a run while blasting your favorite music through your headphones. Punch a punching bag seriously, kickboxing class helped me get through A LOT of emotions. Get your sweat on in some way, and do it consistently. Forgiveness is not about the other person or letting them off the hook. Forgiveness is for YOU. In fact, the definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling anger or blame at someone who has done something wrong.

Most of the time if a relationship didn't work out, it simply wasn't a good fit. If we're coming from a place of full self-esteem, we would be able to see that and move on. But often in a relationship we feel a "spark" with someone for reasons that we cannot possibly understand. They come from deep seated beliefs as a child, and that person triggered a hurt or pain inside of you. Don't allow this hurt and anger to become your story while they're out there moving on.

By forgiving, you break the chains that are binding you and allow yourself to live a better life with the person you are meant to be with. Write a letter of forgiveness, say a prayer, or set the intention to forgive. Be honest with yourself if you're truly wanting to get over a broken heart or if you're harboring secret hopes that the two of you will get back together. While this is not wrong in any way many of us feel it!

It helps when you can remember not to see the relationship through rose colored glasses. Initially you'll be hit with a lot of emotion, and that's okay. You don't need to do anything right then and there, but holding on to that emotion for too long becomes a heavy burden to carry through your life. In essence: you forgive for yourself, not just for them.

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It's not about letting them off easy, either. Forgiving doesn't mean that you're excusing what they did, that there isn't still something to work out, and it especially does not mean that you can't still have feelings about what happened. Forgiveness is about resolution for you, and you alone. Chances are they would like to be forgiven, but make sure you put yourself first in this situation. You were the one wronged, not them.

Andrea Brandt, Ph. Forgiveness puts the final seal on what happened that hurt you. You will still remember what happened, but you will no longer be bound by it.

You Can Get Over It How to Confront Forgive and Move on - AbeBooks

Having worked through the feelings and learned what you need to do to strengthen your boundaries or get your needs met, you are better able to take care of yourself in the future. Keep in mind, though, that forgiveness is a process. It's not a switch you can flip immediately, and it can require a lot of strength to carry out. Even if you don't have the will to forgive right now, you can still work your way toward it. It may seem like you'll never escape the emotions you feel when you've been wronged, but time heals all wounds.

Don't rush the process. Give yourself space from the event and focus on the present. Just because your wound heals doesn't mean you need to forgive your adversary right away. If you want to be angry, scream into your pillow. If you want to be sad, let out some tears. Bottling up your emotions can make the process of forgiveness much more difficult and require a lot more time for you to get to a forgiving place.

Once you've had some time to sort through your emotions, you can identify what it is exactly that hurt you so much. Psychologist Anita Sanz at Quora recommends you go as far as naming your pain. Whatever the feeling is you're experiencing, give it a name so you have a target, a mission.

Name what hurts so you know exactly what you'll eventually be forgiving. Sanz warns, however, that you shouldn't look for the "whys" while you're sorting out your feelings:. Sometimes understanding the "whys" of what happened can be helpful, but sometimes we will never know why someone or something hurt us… And you don't want to make your own recovery contingent upon understanding why the bad thing happened. You may never understand why, but that's okay.

You don't have to know why something happened in order to get better. Keep your focus on what hurts and what you'd eventually like to let go of. The best part is you can take as long as you like to forgive someone. You're in control here. So buckle down, scream and shout, and you'll know when you're ready. You may never understand why they did what they did, but it can sometimes help to see things from their eyes.

It's important you never blame yourself for anything—or try to find excuses for them—but taking some time to empathize with your wrongdoer for a moment can make it easier to see the reality of the situation. Remember, we're all human and we are nowhere near perfect. Imagine you had done what they have. Remind yourself how much being forgiven would mean to you. Lori Deschene, author and founder of Tiny Buddha , brings up a valuable point to help you empathize a little:. And if they've hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.

No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn't condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand. Chances are, you've made a mistake at some point and hurt somebody yourself. In some cases, you would have even done anything to make up for it or be forgiven. It's possible—for some people at least—that hurting someone feels almost as terrible as being hurt. Try your hardest to imagine hurting somebody the way you were just hurt, and think about how great forgiveness would be for both parties.

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Forgiveness is still for you, not them, but a little empathy might help you get to a forgiving state of mind faster. Some wrongdoings will take longer than others to overcome.