I smiled at people in the grocery store and made friends with senior citizens and loved kids. I have to force myself even to go to the grocery store for food. I realized that the person I remember is still in there, and she needs me to pull her up. And I do have choices in this life, and I choose not to wallow in that mudhole with him anymore. I am going to find my joy and my enthusiasm again, and I am choosing to live. Just anything that makes your heart a little lighter. And then I realize I have quit crying and I made that choice not to.
First thing is to take back your power, the things that make you proud of who you are. Make a conscious choice to stop what is hurting you. And find some simple little moments or objects or sounds, that you can be grateful for. Dying is permanent, and you need to spend your time remembering what you like about life or used to like. And talk on here, it helped me and is helping me. Thank you so much for sharing yor story with me and your beautiful courage to move beyond this nastiness into a happier, more beneficial place.
I have many moments I create each day, many habits, things I enjoy and have a wonderful support system of friends and family to draw from. I have no intention of allowing my light to be smothered by this drama and I will love unconditionally because that I can choose to. My partner deserves love and happiness but I cannot remain there forever to provide this if the issues continue.
All my love to you Pam. Nothing is worth staying for.
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Close that door, open a new one. Why is it that we only want to love them? When they give nothing in return? And why do we feel so obligated to help them be happy? When all they do is hurt us and intentionally to boot! So, why do we stay? Is it fear? Because fear is something we are never far away from. Is it the chance that we may always be alone? Are we so lost that even negative attention is better than noe?
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Or do we honestly believe that giving them all of our love, unconditionally, is going to somehow help them? They hate it when we love them. They laugh at our weakness for wanting their love so bad, they feed off of our pain, why do we stay? Would we allow these same people to destroy someone we love? IF not, then why do we allow it to happen to us? Even help them do it at times.
Just feeling grateful for the sunshine and the beauty around me, would it feel as wonderful as I remember? Even now with a divorce coming soon, he is still here, and I know that things are going to start to get tougher, and I wonder, will I just cave this time too? Or will I finally have to be the one that moves just to escape him.
Give him my home and all that I have worked for knowing that I really have nowhere else to go, nor any money to do it? Is this really what our lives are suppose to be? Each day runs into the other, the pain is always there, either way I go I feel like the biggest loser.
What it will be this time, who knows? He is not the person I thought he was and I have no true idea just what he is capable of. So even if he finally does leave, how long will I have to look over my shoulder? And will I ever feel safe? I pray each day for strength to get through this, and to be able to not show my fear. Our worlds have been shrunken to the size of peas and we have been manipulated to think that this hell is our inheritance.
It is not. You are beautiful. Each empathetic one, but you donot know your own beauty. The world is broad, wide. With enough for you at every turn to assist your decisions, but you donot know that. Your ability to see was purposefully crippled. You must detach from them, you must. And see the universe as a place of assistance. Just make your intention.
Step into it even if you are afraid. Been there. Dont be afraid anything is better than living in constant fear. Pretend you are not afraid when facing them even though you are. Take little steps to make the change. Instay for them but I know tho is hurting them too. He will say things to them to make me look bad going as far as lying to our daughter telling her I wanted to abort her. We are financially hurt and he blames me but I make sure we get what we need off the little money we have.
Just saying this outloud to people who are going through this too is a relief. Just need someone to talk to. To Pam: The words you write are similar to mine when I wrote in my diary. That was years ago and I left him. I wished I had sooner. Be brave. Take the leap. Protect yourself and start over. You will thank yourself later.
I am alone and although I am very lonely at times, I am not miserable and trapped in a toxic relationship. I had a similar relationship. He could be she. A counselor who really understands domestic violence can help you. The key is Domestic Violence and all the tactics they use to keep you under their control. I really want to right this. Sure sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder to me. They are Destroyers. I sometimes wonder why others Find it so easy. Whats the point of being with any one if you really. Dont know what you truely want Why ruin that persons chances.
To a real relationship. With no drama.. True love Sorry thats just how i feel Sorry just saying. I put myself through hell with this man for many years. Put your children first- 1. Ron get out of the relationship NOW. Find a freind or family member to live with. You will find a new job, a new life and a loving partner.
She will never change. Just imagine one of your children in a relationship like yours……. I have just ended a 4 year relationship and am starting over. Knowing I am not perfect but I could not see a future with any happiness. Just fear of not pleasing her.
The toxicity certainly causes a reaction of withdrawal in my behaviour too. Surely this many people mean it must be me? Do other readers have multiples in their close family? One is more than enough. Joanna, in a way it is you. Your an adult and so are your kids…. Why are you trying to please mom, when you yourself are a mom???? Your even adding to the list of family with those not even blood related …an ex, the sons girlfriend? My life, my choices of boyfriends, where or how I live, what I like to do, those are parts of my life.
According to the Bible your not supposed to be pleasing the girlfriend your suppose to be teaching her to be a good wife. But my house,my rules …. Because without a crown …. My goodness it would be easier to never sin than please the people you listed, just because there are many. One God and maybe a husband. Plus your not doing them favors. You spreading yourself thin, and not giving your best to anyone. Then their kids can help them.. Notice I said help, not please….. Btw my boyfriend told his mom no more pleasing and she got pissed cause she loved ordering his life.
Please get so help if you keep feeling like you must please them… because yes there can be THAT many because you marry people your comfortable with and they usually have much in common with a parent.. Then we have kids that grow up around our parents and our parents influences in us….. NOT give in to being called carrot top…lol! Hope that helped. You sound sweet but really under everyones thumb. Be sweet and please yourself. Many blessings. They share with me what I give to others.
We are programmed to love them and feel obligated even if they hurt us over and over. I no longer expect a response but still willing to keep a door open. Toxic people are unhappy. They live sad lives. Always trying to remember so many lies is a very busy and non productive life. If you possess self reflection, remorse, compassion then just pity these sad souls. We all make mistakes. I have and I will. Toxic people will lie and create so much drama and judgement, to no end. People will address the mistake and own it and try to make a change.
Whatever label we put on people, I have found we all lie for the same reasons. Self shame. Simply not proud so we make up a story. The rest can. We call life. I have no love for those who try to tell all on their death bed. They had a lifetime to do so. I hope you learn who to distrust, and who you can trust, so you can find some faith in the good humans, again. There are a few. I just happened to come across this article. I had met her a few years ago when I went to her for personal training. My mom and sister went before I did.
I showed up because-one, I had never seen her daughter act, two, it was something to do, and three, I was being supportive. Well, she had been coming to my house to train me privately. I noticed one day that she mentioned about not coming anymore, but she said that we could still hang out on occasion. A couple of weeks ago I had invited her and two other friends to go hang out for my birthday.
Well, this is where the trouble started. The day before we were scheduled to hang out, she calls me up and tells me that we should take a break. I was extremely upset about this and was quite emotional on the phone. The next morning, I got a text from her saying that she prayed about her decision and decided to break the friendship off for good.
She told me that she was extremely sad about her decision which I do not believe one bit. I believe if she was sad about it, she would want to make it work. She told me to not to contact her anymore. I was very crushed and pleaded with her not to do this and that we could work stuff out. She was not having it. She made up her mind. After this, I had some choice words for her that I now regret and want to apologize, but she told me not to contact her anymore.
She had told me that I made her extremely uncomfortable. She never gave me a reason for this. I still am trying to wrap my brain around what she meant. I guess I will never find an answer. My friend told me that it was not my fault. They will stab you in the back first chance they get. Our society is so screwed up. I look intently at myself and behaviour in an attempt to change it. Relationships become habits, and like the strongest of all habits, they can be beyond difficult to break — but not impossible.
It is difficult to believe that there could be a happier version of you and your life waiting for you on the other side of a toxic relationship but there will be. You deserve to be happy. When you have been in an unhealthy relationship for a long time, it becomes the reality — the only reality you believe, but there is so much more for you.
If you have looked at yourself and your behaviour, and if you have fought hard for the relationship and you are still miserable, you know clearly how your relationship plays out for you. Your growth is in doing something brave and life-giving for you, and taking a different direction to the one you have been moving in. Everything you need to do this is in you — it really is. Thank you Karen.. I know only I can break the cycle. This, for me will not be easy, but it must be done if I and my daughter have any hope of a happy and fulfilling life.
You can do this. It will be such an important legacy for your daughter. The lessons she will learn about letting go of harmful relationships and harmful people will hold her strong as she learns in her own life how to navigate the world and the people in it. I wish you both all the very best. Yes… I can very much appreciate the information in this column as well as the comments. As it has been stated a happy-go-lucky person can quickly be infected by the gross habits of nasty toxic bullying people. If you want once were happy-go-lucky , Carefree, taking delight, every day person to be suddenly finding yourself living with an absolute Beast looking over your right shoulder throughout the day, I can understand.
Word by word line by line every bit of it is truth. I wish I would have read this a long time ago but the healing can begin today. So so true. I was so upset about quitting a toxic friendship, and felt guilty. James I am not able to tell you what to do, but it sounds as though the answer is already inside you. If your relationship is toxic, and you both want to end it, there is your answer. Be strong, and move forward. No one has come to me to ask what my side of the story was. There is so, so much to unpack here, but at least 8 of these points fit the person who has not only hurt me deeply over this, but also turned other friends against me.
There is evidence that they have been telling others who know of me and sometimes interact with me bad things about me as well. Enough things to cause them to unfollow me from social sites. I feel so trapped, that I have to hide my feelings and can only ever appear happy and positive to others. I have never felt this sad, damaged and alone in my entire life. One toxic person can do so much damage. I understand how painful this is. It sounds as though your friendship group has been made very fragile by this toxic person who has hurt you, but know that there are people in the world who would love to know you.
Try not to let your feelings towards the toxic person colour your relationships with others. It is always very difficult for people who are outside to a situation to get involved, mainly because they can be given two versions of the same truth. I wish you love and healing. I felt for a long time that I was the only person on this planet that knew the truth, until I found this list. So use this place, and us, to talk to. I believe everything you say because my story is the same. I have finally come to terms with my aloneness and I really feel that it is almost what I needed to finally accept the truth of my own predicament It somehow has given me the chance to really take a look at things and to think about why it is this way.
And I am able to go deeper into my own self now, to look at why I let this go on for so long. But there is one person I am not nice to, perhaps the most important person I know. And that is me. And what kind of fool are you to think this is okay? I make my own choices in this life, so why did i make the choice to let this all go on? But then I think even deeper and I realize that I really have done nothing to anyone that would make this a payback, or just my karma catching up to me.
I am trying real hard to look in the mirror and show myself some love. We have to take care of the one inside of us and learn to love them and let them trust us. I am working on loving that little girl inside that no one else seemed to, and I am the adult now that promises that she will be taken care of.
No one else can do that but me. But not if I sacrifice her to the jerk that is only waiting to hurt her again. I love you all. I love you just the way you are. You are perfectly wonderful people and so willing to share your life and I consider you my family now and my friends, and I believe each and everyone of you. It is real what is happening and you are real too and deserve to find happiness. I believe you and i believe in you. You are the Salt of the Earth in my eyes. So there! This is exactly what is being done to me! But would appreciate your opinion on something. I have a difficult relationship with my sister.
I got married last May and that really broke the back of our sisterhood. She had already reacted strongly when I got engaged a year before. She is single and I think she feels like i betrayed her by sort of living my own life. She got mad at me of just about everything.
First I tried to talk to her about it. Tried to understand and find ways to reconcile.
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Nothing has worked. Even before my wedding. She has strong opinions and a temper. Creating a relationship with my husband and doing my own thing was breaking out of the box she has for me. Then 2 weeks before the day she asked me what kind of a role she has in the wedding. But asked her to give us a speech at the reception. Since that she also left angry in the middle of my bachelorette party and trashed it in her fb status.
And there are many more incidents like this. Usually she just cuts her friends out when things get difficult.
What should I do? I love my sisters son and am afraid we all fall apart. What happens when HE has a wedding or something and we are both invited? How do you handle situations like that in the future? And she can talk it all around, make it my fault. Anna what you have described makes complete sense.
The subtleties of toxic behaviour can make it really difficult to respond to. There is probably no point trying to get your sister to understand things from your side. Toxic people tend to twist anything you say so that it suits their argument and justifies the way they are treating you. What you can do is let her son know that you care about him and that he is important to you.
Let him know that even though his mother and you have a difficult relationship at the moment, that you care about her too and that you hope it will become easier. I wish there was an easier or more definite solution to this. Reading this article describes her though. She lost her best friend over the exact same behaviors and does not have a clue. Here is an example from yesterday: my sister who lives out of state…her family is planning a milestone surprise party for her. It is going be held on a weekend when I will be out of town on a trip planned for ages with my husband.
I said, oh I feel terrible I hate missing this, I wish it was any other weekend. Two peas in a pod. Marie I think you have dealt with this beautifully. Toxic people will rarely own the things they do that are hurtful and often, attempts to discuss it will just get twisted into something else that has you as the one in the wrong. Your sister is lucky to have you too, whether or not she realises it. Keep focusing on her good points, do what you need to protect yourself, and keep working not to take the things she does personally.
I have met people that seems a little toxic, schizoid and narcicistic. Thank you for Your answer! And actually, my feelings have started to switch from sadness and helplesness to empowerment and independence. I can expect respect from others and I have a right to surround myself with people who feel safe. I sit alone in my room for hours, beating myself up over these two monsters.
The masks they wear are so convincing…. I feel like such an idiot for opening up my heart so much to these two. I grew up in a poor, single parent narcissistic household, and thought I knew people. Boy, has my boyfriend and his mother proved me wrong!
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My frustration lies in them getting away with their behavior time and time again…. That happy, friendly, positive, just all around amazing woman is still in me…. That and as others have said, I no longer allow them to tear me down. It might feel weird at first, like a druggie going cold turkey and feeling sick. So allow yourself to purge and heal. Allow your soul to heal. Well, I made it to the second round in the divorce procedure, now I can only wait and see what is going to happen next.
I had to almost do the same thing again and this time I think he has thirty days to respond, after that, it will go to the judge. He is staying here still, but not in the house with me, he is in his shop. Lately we have kept any communication to bare minimum and have managed to avoid any new conflicts.
You can make it, you are worthwhile, and they say that life can get better. And you are not crazy, nor is it all your fault. Your only fault is that you allowed it to happen, and if you are here, then you are already trying to fix it…much love to you all. What do I do If the person that does this is my sister?? Here is an article that might help. Hope it helps. She got mad at me suddenly and she pouted the rest of lunch. I asked my other friend what was wrong with her and she said that she told me not to come and sit wither her she never said anything and now she is upset at me.
I dont think I did anything wrong though. What do I do?? Hannah it sounds as though there is a lot of confusion and misunderstanding happening here. Talk to your friend and let her know that you would like to clear things up. Be open to what she says, and let her know that you would like to put things right between the two of you.
It sounds as though she might need reassurance and a loving word from you — and we all need that from time to time. I had a similar experience in the first grade, when my presumably best friend was suddenly mad at me and stopped speaking to me. It may be just as well that our relationship was never the same afterward. Do what you can to set things right on your side e. You would only be harming yourself and enabling her by staying in this relationship. Something in our backstory, the family we were born into, the environment we were raised in…predisposed us for this.
The good part is that we can keep our empathy, which is beautiful and add what we lack: boundaries, behavoiral knowledge concerning personality disorders, etc. The essence of our goodness stays. I just ended a relationship with a man who I realised was a narcissist. It was a blow to me, having survived a marriage to a narc and believing my self to be whole and healed, to attract the same kind of person. Im not there yet, but Im closer. I figured him out and I walked away…… I am so proud of this accomplishment. A journey of balance. Balance we never had but are learning and acquiring.
We have the very real hope of one day being free. We should set our sights upon that goal and work towards attaining it. What an awesome accomplishment. You go girl! There is a word for such a person…choleric. This is one of four personality types, which means that one in four people have these traits to some extent. I find male cholerics a. I had to weigh in on this article because I have had several toxic relationships in my life and I had to examine myself.
I sought help. The professional told me that I was a prime target for this type of relationship because I did not possess a healthy skepticism when it comes to relationships. I have discovered that toxic people use false accusation as a powerful tool to manipulate in order to get their way even when there is no proof of the accusation. They believe that everything they think is factual. Now whenever I come across this kind of activity, I just walk away never to return again. They will not change their ways. I am guilty of errors myself. I just want to be a better person.
Its a mirror. I am currently in a toxic marriage, but it has not always been this way. Things started out very good and fast. Once I was pregnant, we married and looked forward to having a baby, 2nd child for me, 1st child for him. As everyone who has children knows, life will change for all couples with a new baby. Adjustments to day to day life, work, and social life. I no longer enjoyed a few drinks, since I became the DD, but all others enjoyed their pot smoking and getting high, including my spouse.
After a few socializing events, I felt hurt and left out. There was no attempt to include me and over time, I was resentful of being casted off. The smoke outs continued and sometimes at our house. I will spare everyone reading, what the last 14 years of a 16 year marriage thus far has entailed.
I had another child with my husband, which did not fix any issues.
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I reflect back on when I met him and how I missed that he was a daily smoker not only cigs , and it was hidden from me since he always went outside to smoke cigs. That is when he would partake. Every bullet point in this article pertains to my husband!! But my kids are almost grown, and when they are 18 years old, I am free…. My husband their father even spills his rot over on to them.
Anything good, he strikes down. Any moments of love from me to them, he strikes down. Patience is important…..
And now…. It took me a lot of courage to even say those words, but I have become very strong mentally now. He did his best to tear me down, but with a support system, I was able to break through my own weakness and fear, and stand up for myself. A toxic person does not like it much, when they get a dose of their own meds!! I feel awful. Being given the cold shoulder and silent treatment.
But it was rare. The anger outbursts, being told I was the cause of his depression even though he had this 9 years before meeting me. If I made a comment I was told I was being pathetic or trying to spoil his fun. Listening to everything about him but never being able to talk about me. You have acted with great strength and courage. Keep moving forward with strength and self-love and be kind to yourself. You deserve it. I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge in comparison to you, taking every opportunity to make you feel small and insignificant.
I love the feeling it gives me thinking of you as weak, vulnerable, emotionally fluffy, and I love looking down on you for your childlike innocence and gullibility, as weakness. I love how easy it is to keep your sole focus on alleviating my pain never yours! Misery loves company. I love thinking others are jealous of my possessions. In my playbook, those with superior genes are never kind, except to lure and snare their victims! I love that I can make you feel insecure at the drop of a hat, especially by giving attention to other women perhaps also others in general, friends, family members, children, etc.
This is how I pleasure myself, and the way I numb, deny the scary feelings I carry inside that I hope to never admit, ever. I hate any signs of weakness in me, which is why I hate you, and all those I consider inferior, stupid, feeble, and so on. You, and in particular, your looking up to me, unquestionably, as your never-erring, omniscient, omnipotent source of knowledge is my drug of choice. I love feeling that I own your thoughts, your ambitions, and ensuring your wants and needs are solely focused on not upsetting me, keeping me happy. I love that I can isolate you from others who may nourish you, and break the spell, and I love making you mistrust them, so that you conclude no one else really wants to put up with you, but me.
Like a vacuum, the emptiness inside me is in constant need of sucking the life and breath and vitality you bring to my life, which I crave like a drug that can never satisfy, that I fight to hoard, and hate the thought of sharing. While I hate you and my addiction to your caring attention, my neediness keeps me craving to see myself through your caring eyes, ever ready to admire, adore, forgive, make excuses for me, and fall for my lies and traps.
I love that you keep telling me how much I hurt you, not knowing that, to me, this is like a free marketing report, which lets me know how effective my tactics have been to keep you in pain, focused on alleviating my pain — so that I am ever the winner in this competition — ensuring that you never weaken control me with your love- and emotional-closeness stuff.
I could not would not ever want to do this for the sole reason that, from my worldview, only the feeble-minded and weak do such things! This article is great. Fortunately, I was able to leave the relationship recently. Unfortunately, we have kids together and I still have to try to communicate with him although on his end it is never effective or mature.
I need to know how I can defend myself in court and get full custody of my children! It drives me nuts! He will be as hateful towards me as he can get away with. I am tired of being nice and getting slung around like a rag doll. Michelle, it will always be a constant battle unfortunately. And with court looming ahead, you might want to rethink your strategy and try to figure out how to settle things as quickly as possible without rocking the boat. I recently came across a couple of resources which I wish I had when I got divorced from my ex who most certainly must have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
It sucks. I wish I could let it all go in my head. I do think I became needy but that is definitely not how I ever used to be with any previous partners. But I felt pressure to prove that I am ok so never relaxed. A string of some that don't mean much to you, may stick with someone else for a lifetime. Once they are said, they can be only forgiven, not forgotten. But the human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief. So be careful with your words. You can say something hurtful in ten seconds, but ten years later, the wounds are still there.
You'll have many opportunities to change a mood, but you'll never get the opportunity to replace the words you spoke. Words move hearts and hearts move limbs. They land in our hearts and not the ground. Be careful what you plant and careful what you say. You might have to eat what you planted one day. Speak words that are kind, loving, positive, uplifting, encouraging, and life-giving.
They were the ones who could climb the highest.