Carry on. He wanted to win The X Factor. Either way, he never texted me back. Edinburgh festival, She was flirty and pretty in a girl-next-door way if the girl next door was really fit. She came to my show, said she loved it and suggested a drink the next night. We had several — laughing, chatting, sharing a fag. The bar was closing but she knew somewhere else. A jazz club. As I walked her home, we shared an umbrella. Then she broke the silence. Suzi Ruffell: Nocturnal is on a UK tour. Remember it? I brought my best friend Libby with me, as was the Year 9 way, and we just took the piss out of the film, not saying a word to poor Nick.
Afterwards a friend texted me on my Nokia brick to inform me something I needed to know about Nick. I felt lost, betrayed and humiliated. This Year 8 kid had lied to me and it was over. The experience taught me everything I now know about love: ask to see ID before going to the latest Star Wars instalment, or girl you gonna get burned. This date was disastrous thanks to me and only me.
While at university, I fancied myself a real manic pixie dream girl — so when a lovely young man asked me out, I decided to inject it with as much whimsy as humanly possible. First, I demanded he drive us to a cemetery, because I wanted to be quirky but in a goth way. It turned out to be much sadder than the Smiths made it seem, so we got back into his car. After that, I asked him to drive us to a strip club. There, he tried his best to maintain eye contact with me as a beautiful woman approached us offering a lap dance. Olga Koch: Fight is on a UK tour.
Once upon a time, there was a little, ginger, camp comedian who had just finished a Soho theatre run and was ready to find The One. He searched far and wide OK, I went into Soho after my gig and met a boy. He looked like Aladdin, we exchanged numbers. Days later, I was invited to his house a warehouse in east London, and he was vegan — I should have known.
He said they were for chiropractic — a likely story! I was dying to leave but the Uber surge charge was on. When I was an awkward year-old, all low self-esteem and Nirvana T-shirts, I met a friend of a friend in the pub. He had dark curly hair and lovely eyes, so when he asked me to go out with him, I was over the moon. But it did. The next day. He was having a party at his house on Saturday night. Would I like to go along as his date? He lived in a village out of town so would come and pick me up. He had a car! I was so excited — a date and a house party.
I thought: how cool must your parents be to just let you have a party in their massive house? We arrived, and I was greeted at the front door by said parents. Both of them. It was their 25th-anniversary party, where I was to be paraded and introduced to his entire family. Never date someone older than your dad. Never date a drug addict. Never date someone you meet in a lift. These were the golden rules my mum told me.
I broke all of them two years ago. I assumed it was true love. We arranged to meet at 7pm. He was 45 minutes late. He told me he had been stopping a fight. This turned out to be a lie. He had gone to the cinema on his own to see Paddington and got the timings wrong. It was a Friday in December. He resembled a serial killer from Luther. Instead, I banged my head on a decorative shelf and started bleeding from my head.
As I bled all over my dress, the table, the food and my dignity, much like Sissy Spacek in Carrie, I also managed to bleed on his clothes. I apologised. He said there was nothing to apologise for. A week later he sent me a receipt for the dry cleaning. After some heavy petting in the deep end, I needed a widdle and because it was a nice place, I thought I would use the toilet. I was following my nose to the toilet because, like a fox or rat , I work on instinct.
Totally futile and ultimately unfulfilling. Stay strong and remain true to yourself, because I totally regret spending all that wasted time on a total douche bag. I allowed myself to buy the illusion instead of the reality. It added up to a whole lot of nothing. Thank you Kelly. I am really trying. I have to pretty much get off my sofa and walk away from my phone and shout at myself for thinking this.
I really hope I am strong, but I miss him. This is my day in a nutshell. We have chemistry, but you want more. I still want to kick it with you….. Hearing it from the horses mouth in such a literal way — and he was quite straight up with his intentions. This is after me going NC for about six months, him trying to contact me the entire time, me giving in toward the end of last year. No more blocking apps that I flip-floppily turn on and off — I want the real deal. I find so much solace in this site and knowing that other women are going through the same thing as I am.
Is that our doing?! I mean, I am just curious how these men have brewed to become so poisonous. It almost makes me never want a son. Kathy, experience has taught them that sun shines out of their arses.
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Focus on you — there must be a damn good reason why you would invest in this non starter in the first place. Wow, he should get a blow up doll or at least pay a hooker. Why does it have to be you? No needs. No desires. No dreams for a future. No love. No care. No need for trust. No maintainence. Nothing to take care of. No responsibility. No accountability. No conflict. No problems. Free, on demand sex. Ring up for whatever you want, when you want. Free cooking, cleaning, therapy, cuddles and money.
Agrees to anything and everything. No contract — On or off when you want. Allows you to shag around. Enjoyed how you phrased that!! They say the truth shall set you free! I had to have one of these precarious, high tension moments trying to extract what the hell it all meant so I could get validation and be proven wrong and that they really really did want me. Cue complete and utter catastrophe… My self esteem, identity, entire belief system — everything was burnt up and destroyed on this one assclown.
Ooooh good one Nat! No seriously, go get rid of him. Natasha- Awesome response! And may I say ladies, the Golden Girls references…. NCC — Thanks lady! Metsgirl — So glad you enjoyed!! This had gone off-n-on more off than on, those last few years and even in my most delirious thoughts and fantasies, i knew it was nothing more than great sex.
Amazing the clarity i have after 2 years of NC!! Good for you hpy2bme! It feels great doesnt it? Something truly happens when we step back long enough to catch our barings. Cheers to clarity! What you say rings true for me. And combined with a push for sex as well, it completely took me by surprise.
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I agree. What I was used for, outside of a relationship, was my listening ear. I was always on guard for sexual users, so it caught me off guard to find that men will also use as a listening ear. I think that connecting with others through shared thoughts and experiences is very personal and important, so when a man shares those with me I have always figured that I must be of some significance for him to do so. But I, too, have had to realize that not everyone operates the same way that I do. Great, great point Yoghurt. Speaks to how we can get used in relationships outside of sexual ones too.
The last person I went out on a date with had all kinds of laments about not being clear in his life. I can empathize with that. I did empathize with that. I developed this skill on a Dad who constantly sought it, but never once thanked me or my mother for it. With good friends, if there was one bitching and the other supporting, it goes both ways. Surely you are? Yoghurt, this was my situation—but without the sex part. As Natalie says, actions and words must coincide. I had this idea in my head that I wanted to always be the person that everyone felt that they could turn to in need, who never asked for anything in return and who shone a little ray of sunshine and hearts!
And kittens! And daffodils! Not only that too, I was a total passing the time candidate while they hooked up with everyone else. You can be used for cuddle! Watch out! You can also be used as a escort service too- one person I was going out to movies and dinners — and it was just not progressing. It was just insane. Wow, me too! This sounds so familiar. I had the same experience, he would carry on about himself for literally hours.
It was so boring, but I am such a faithful listener. Then he would pull the Mr. Magic act out of his ass and practically rape me. Maybe he was raping me and I just thought it was because he was so crazily attracted to me, ha ha. This is sick i know, but there was something about that forcefulness that attracted me!
I really saw right through him from day one but I wanted him so much anyway. I was playing with him as well, but at the same time was wanting something in return. He never gave me much of anything. I felt like the interrogator, even though I just wanted a straight answer. My head would hurt afterward. I have never had these issues with other men. I went NC for 2 years, and now he has contacted me again! Maybe they have all smartened up!! I do the listening and supporting thing with them a few times and boom!
Of course, this was never, ever reciprocated. For a LONG time, I believed that these people confided in me becaus they trusted me, thought I was a good person, etc. But no, they were just self-centred users. The one thing that I have learned about narcisstic people is that they are ALL users.
Self centered men will all take all the sex they can with out emotional involvement because that is the way they operate. Women have to be very cautious. I am celibate until I really fall in love. Do to otherwise is emotional and physical suicide. I am sexually on the shelf and SAFE!!!!!! However, I am definitely going to make sure that my man gets tested, and I have no problem getting tested because I think it is an important, responsible thing to do.
If you make them wait, they will just go and screw someone else while the wait to crack you open. Trust me, I knew my EUM for 9 months before anything happened. You could make them wait for years and they still would be EUM. Your advice is so spot on and should be taught pre-puberty for the record to every young woman! What a brilliant post!!! Thank you Natalie! He was just a guy but the drama of the chase was so loud and so big in my mind that he seemed so much more important than he was.
My ego and self-esteem really suffered after this dalliance. Luckily I wised up and resolved to end my destructive relationship pattern. Shortly after, I met a man whose actions match, if not surpass, his words and who is set to move in with me in April. No drama, no niggles in my guts and our physical relationship blows the EUM out the water!! Whatever lesson was being repeatedly sent my way has finally be learnt and I have never, hand on heart, been happier in myself. Keep the faith xx. Glad to know that you found happiness elsewhere.
We have the magical show going on in our head very little of it being communicated to the AC and they just sit back and watch us jump through hoops. Love it!! He was weird. Luckily we never had sex! Good Riddance! Take Care! I am going to go back in and notate all my previous posts about my former boyfriend whom I was giving a second chance to — well, live and learn, he just dumped me again 2 weeks later for no reason other than he wants to be back on the open range.
This guy was clever. Well, we agreed we both were soul mates!! And began having sex. Couple of months later he dumped me — nothing he said was true — future faker!!! So, be sure you HAVE a relationship as demonstrated by time, if you want one. I thought I was being smart this time up front because we had the relationship discussion early and it seemed we were on the same page. Red flag — but I ate it up.
Guys are adept at having and enjoying sex whether or not there is an emotional commitment. I wish younger women could learn this — before I did! Are you kidding? I would not choose to have friends who lack integrity and who willfully hurt me to their end. Perks without the responsibility. And it would certainly save many hearts from being broken. Lia — yes, I wish that were the case, too. Unfortunately, I think the ratio of people like this would be 50 men to 1 woman. I think women generally have more substance or at least emotional needs. I do have guy friends who claim to be this honest with women.
Kind of like some women use men for money and material goods — yet some of those rich old men let themselves willingly be used for such in exchange for a cute young woman on their arm. It just goes into a different ballpark when there is lying and BS-ing involved, for that is deception and cruel.
But I think that some of these guys specifically want women around who will fall for them. Having some woman around who is crazy about them is a nice ego boost, and hey, he gets sex out of it, someone to help him out with whatever he needs….. The second time I got back with the eum it was on a verbal agreement that was casual. It really is a case of they DO NOT know what they want though the theory sounds good and I felt messed around throughout the arrangement. Broadsided, I just cant get men, honestly! I cant trust anyone Waiting will NOT change them, all waiting does is allow you to have a clear head while you gather information and make a clear decision.
Little Star — apparently, we just have to take time. I wonder if I am up to the challenge of dating a man without sex involved for at least 2 months. And see if their interest in me as a person can last. I have to believe that amongst all the jerks there are some gems. The bad thing is that bad guys can come in good seeming packages. Man, reading this really does bring back memories. The sad thing is that by the time I got around to asking questions, I was already so emotionally invested that I refused to see an end. Homeboy managed to wiggle his way out of answering me anytime I asked him what he wanted, yet I still managed to open up my schedule for him and remained available.
I could simply opt out. And I could opt out without second-guessing myself, or feeling sorry for the confused guy. He basically wanted me to give him a sales pitch. Oh, hellllll no! His indecisiveness was my cue to exit stage left without further ado. I have been there, done that…being emotionally invested with a man and thinking because we had awesome sex for YEARS that eventually it would lead to more but it never did.
But I fell for it. Needless to say I am on day 6 of NC!!! Brushing that dirt off my shoulders and loving it!! Mandatory NC. OK Nat — you have nailed this more on than any other post I have read. Absolutely, and it hurt like hell — especially when I could not let go and got kicked to the curb HARD! I should have been the one doing the kicking… Years have passed since then and he is no longer a concern.
I have moved on and up. But wow did you really describe that one — OUCH! Happily married for almost 2 years now and still going strong. Hope you got your dress! Looking forward to seeing a pix of you in it! Ouch… I did this for eight years. Same here — ended in May too. I am over it though. It took 8 months and heaps of therapy and bans on dating and ripping down online profiles.
Guilty as charged.
My funny valentine: standups on their most disastrous dates
I continued having sex with my ex-AC even after he showed me so clearly he was using me for sex and was really not interested in a relationship with me. Stupid me — I thought if I gave him the hottest dirtiest sex ever he would not be able to resist me and would fall madly in love with me and feel for me what I felt for him. How wrong I was!!
I thought if I gave him the hottest dirtiest sex ever he would not be able to resist me and would fall madly in love with me and feel for me what I felt for him. Unavailable is totally and completely oversexed. You cannot sex them into commitment. His audio should match his video! I have had men say they want a relationship with me and that there is no other woman they want.
However, until they fully say AND DO what feels right and consistant to you, make them fight for you. Always having other males in your life continues to let men know you are not going to be sitting around waiting for them to do right by you. Even if you have a favorite one you MUST date others until the right one does right by you.
Thanks for your post! I was faithful to AC and ended up with broken heart! What is the need for a boatload of attention? I seem not to be wired to date multiple men — but I am open to ideas. Guys do get crazy for you when you are dating another guy. This happened with this past boyfriend, as well as the boyfriend before that. A man open to commitment would never do that, but an EUm would, just to win. And would you offer commitment to a man who dates several other women at the same time as you?
I think that is a very EU behaviour and rather typical of people who use mostly online dating- the plenty of fish in the sea mentality. The being on the lookout for something better. No, not for me. I think if you like someone, give them a chance…but flush at the first boundary crossing and then be open to someone else. Broadsided — this almost happened to me, too. He sent me flattering e-mails and texts and called me on the phone. The second time we had dinner, he told me he was going to leave his wife and move into an apartment and was looking forward to spending weekends with me and his two sons.
Oh, and he kept going on about how he saw a future with me big-time future faker. My stomach rolls when I see him and he has the nerve to say hello and be all pleasant, like nothing ever happened. Still trying to figure that one out. Sometimes I think I want lightning or and STI to strike them and teach them a lesson — but you know what, I move on and am in a much much better place now. After that time he has moved across country , I was able to recontact him just to ask a couple of questions about things he knew about, etc.
He has no more hold on my heart or body. He posted on Facebook that he was now single after all these cute pictures of us, which had received nice comments. But maybe this is a good thing? No sympathy is required. Once again, I can relate. But my legs instead became cement blocks, and my mind froze too, I guess to avoid reality, and what I percieved as the pain reality would bring. But all the while too, my stomach was turning. The last AC was the one who changed the goal posts nearly everyday, told me one thing and did another, told me really crappy things, but I took them like I deserved it and minimized.
Because afterall, I was the one still there, even after all the bullshit. I was still in his bed. To get what he wanted. But either way, he says some ugly thing to cancel it out anyway, putting my expectations back down so he has what he wants on his terms. Neither one of us will end it, because sadly we are alike in some ways. Like you say Natalie, why would he bring up conflict? Either way sex is always on his terms. When he wants it, he practically attacks me. Gotta break free. I feel so broken and tired. Trust me, you will feel better, do not allow this AC to destroy your future!
It still hurts, as I saw him last October, but I would never ever allow any guy to use me!!! Please stay strong NCC, we are here you! NCC, I completely relate to what you say. Then at some random time, he decides to be lovers again and it feels authentic. It becomes a painful cycle because we want to be desired again but as we can see from this blog, sex on these one-way terms is a very poor validation of our brilliance! This is such an important realization that every woman needs to come to, sooner or later.
Unfortunately for us, a great many man are quite capable of having sex with absolutely no feeling beyond that he finds us attractive enough. Gee thanks dude…. When I stopped contacting them, they stopped contacting me. They just disappeared. And, when I was in the hospital, do you think they came to visit me? He never bothered to contact me again…. What if I had died? Or, just needed a friend. I see these men from time to time from a distance, and they look happy as larks, and believe me when I tell you that they could care less about me. I mean I reaaaallyy thought it was my fault.
I mean what the freak? What treatment would he test me with next? And I wondered, just what in the heck kind of relationship did I really have with this guy, and how did it get to this point? What patterns? What were…. You deserve, can, and will do better, when you are ready, no rush! After a year of my AC blowing hot and cold I finally showed him the door for good. I realized that you could substitue any girl and the results would be the same.
The price of being with these guys is just to high. Yup, they do it all of the time. Same thing with sex! He did it all for the nookie! Thats why you newbies and young ladies better take heed, keep your legs closed if you want a serious relationship. Take your time. He if pressures you, let him go, billions of men on the planet all you need is ONE. He added a new chapter to the book which had me baffled.. I knew this was a lesson sent for me to listen to my inner voice and stopped seeing him.. This has really bothered me because of his use of a suto relationship with GOD….
You give me hope! She met a man who was all about God, until they got back to her house. Poor thing left to go to put dishes in the kitchen and found him naked on her couch waiting for her LOL. It is amazing to me how long it took me to acknowledge my instincts; I can see how I wait sometimes for other people to validate my red flags, and then I will act on their judgement of my gut instinct, instead of acting on my own gut instinct.
And, it bothers me that I was so reluctant. I want to get to the point where I just flush the scum bags, but I suppose that idea would go against my nature. Ok, so I am thinking about re-entering the dating pool in 3 or 4 months, so I intend to practice, practice, and instill….
Natalie, I get this on some level. But why do guys continue to have sex. Is it really all about having sex? Is sex better for them that it is for us? I totally now accept that some guys just want to have sex. I now accept it as a fact. It just seems really weird. Some guys want to have sex… and then move on to the next one! Thanks so much for your insight. AC was so good at this charade. My perception got clouded because he is soooo respected at work — moving up fast and so well liked. Boy was I wrong.
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We have mutual work friends which clouded my judgment even more. Knows exactly what to say. It was great in the moment but not after or in-between. I do forgive me though because I had no idea he was such an AC — live and learn. I am NC and trying desperately to forget him. I need a hypnotist lol! It has shag all to do with their suitability as a partner. You cannot inherit status through sex. Anything that you value in a person must directly translate into positive results in your relationship.
Thanks Nat. Unfortunately for me, his success at work has made him more attractive to me. You are so right though. I would never, never have called this one. Maybe guys who are eligible and in the public eye and who are shallow can get intoxicated by women being after them all the time. So tempting to, though! Broadsided-They must be made from the same mold. I know, I know. My mind is full of fantasy with this arse.
Tea-love the dog one lol! My fantasies are all about how great his personality is — so so fun and adventurous, never a boring moment with this guy. My AC is a walking amusement park. Time to get off the ride. Ashamed, a point to keep in mind about the great sex that Natalie has brought up elsewhere: the sex is magnified in your mind because there was really nothing else to the relationship. It has expanded to the space alloted to it, which for you is ALL of the space. He basically gave you some OK fast food meals in the middle of a terrible famine… that he caused and that you ended up dying in anyway!
The Brutal Romantic
Great article. And almost exactly like what had happened to me with an ex. Laying in the glow as Natalie would say. After several months of seeing each other I just flat out asked him how he felt about the relationship. I know, not the smartest thing to do. But I did it. I thought we were on the same page. I put my clothes and started out the door.
He was shocked, asked me what the hell was I doing, and did I think the last few months were a waste of my time. I said no, but if I stay one more day it will be. I did care a great deal about him. But I was not in love with him at that point. It was the next relationship, 4 years of my life that just about killed me. I have only posted a few times, but I read, and re-read everything she writes. Is it just me wondering if he was more shocked at you leaving or more shocked that the sex and cuddle supply just got turned off?!
It scares me! What the hell happened! Thanks Dublin. That was so perfectly stated. And thank you, your comment helped me to see that although I spent two years as a mistress, and then the subsequent year beating myself up over being such an idiot, at least I finally pulled up my pants and flushed. Only wish I could have done it like you!
So sorry to hear about the subsequent 4 year relationship. Stay strong. Stay NC. Oh yeah and keep your knickers on! You made me laugh even though the reality of someone using me for sex, ego stroke, and a home cooked dinner has been difficult to face. Thanks to Natalie I stopped worrying about what the norm is, but it was a blight of my life in the past. WRONG thing to do. It makes me feel so free….. Oh, Dublin, your exit line was just so perfect.
Bless Natalie and NC. I was just thinking of seeking out a man who I had a sexual relationship with. After my AC of a husband left me for another woman, I was emotionally screwed up. Anyway, I barely held it together for my kids. One year later and 60 pounds thinner, I finally got my mind together enough to stop wondering why. My friends kept telling me in order to get over one man; you have to get under another. So, when I met a professional man. I thought maybe I was ready, we went out it was great. Then we had sex, it was great, but I only saw him when I had time.
I started thinking, wow the sex is good, conversation is good, I wanted more. That went on for some time. The problem is loneliness is a hard thing to deal with, you work all day deal with the kids…. Stop using people to avoid your feelings and life — that is what is blocking you. I never learned how to be alone my time was filled with the man in my life, kids and work.
The older I get, the more I realise that what our mammas told us was true: most men think about sex one way, and most women think about it another way. Holy shit… I am in this exact boat!!!!! How did I not know about this blog months ago?????? With ups and downs, but the general trend is getting better all the time. I truly love him and I think he loves me too, and I know he tries his best. I want to feel secure in a relationship. I am secure and happy with myself, and I am really really ready to share my life with another person.
It is you who has to walk away. Stop lying to yourself — no person with great self-esteem puts up with this BS, certainly not for two years. Bits, I thought I had great self-esteem as well; thought I was strong enough to handle anything that came my way, and that I was strong enough to put up with anything; I was happy as well.
BUT after I compared my actions with my words, it was a completely different story. It was only because my ex-bf had his own issues and had something to prove to himself that he allowed a waffling woman to waffle on him for nearly six years until one day I dropped him cold, after we went to a wedding together. Just get out and be the one to maintain the boundary. I met him online btw. Thank you for everyone who commented, It does help to not feel alone, and it also helps to process things.
I am writing every day, planning my days to be full and working hard, its just the anxiety still looms in me , an may possibly run deeper than the flurry of sexual encounters I have had over the past 3 years. I write and write to get it out and always appreciate the feedback. We then have two choices: either to change how we perceive the outside world — the stories we tell ourselves of what the feedback means — or else to change our behaviour.
Neither one or the other is intrinsically bad or good — they serve different purposes. But they CAN both be bad if there is not an honest self-reflection step in the middle. You can, for instance, change your behaviour — conform — to match the expectations of others e. I like this. I think of the progression model as making a connection, finding an attraction, getting to know someone i. The reality is that for all too many people, both male and female, sex has become social recreation.
Like a basketball game. That is, a group finds some bond — they work together, hang out at the same bar, or their mothers are friends, they get together and play. And even as the initial bonds wear off, find that the game fills a niche in their day, and is less trouble and often fun to continue than to figure out something else to do in that now-regular time slot. I am not positive what the alternative is.
Historically various cultures arranged pairings to suit the needs of families in the community. What was evaluated then might still be the first things to evaluate today — the aptitude to be a parent and family provider, the skills to manage a home and family, the character to be loyal, faithful, and honest, and the demonstrated interest in nurturing bonds to friends and family. The presumption that sufficient intimacy can be achieved if the rest of the relationship is reasonably sound, is the foundation that sustained the world that produced the world of today.
Have we grown beyond the past vital, growing, and persistent families and communities , or do we need to get back to our roots? Brad, One of the things I have to do with in my work is connected with section 50 of the national assistance act , whereby the council is required to carry out funerals in cases where no-one else is doing it. There are increasing numbers. Will anyone care? The purpose of commitment is to share the good times and the bad, we have not evolved out of our need for this.
Evidence shows that single men have poorer health and die younger than married men opposite is true for women. Are they crazy? Who are these people? My friends all have hookup applications in their phone and spend any spare moment they have on facebook or their iphones on hookup sites chatting to heaps of people. When I phone people, it is a bit awkward! Everyone is happy to discuss sex, sex positions, porn, how many they had in the last week, but emotional vulnerability — watch them clam up!
Looking at the online dating profiles of guys in my age bracket almost 50 , it is a total squick-fest. Way way WAY too much information! I mean, a gory level of detail. This is happening to me right now. I am on the receiving end of classic EUM behaviour, blowing hot and cold, managed by texts, with amazing sex, but general shady behaviour e.
I did NC on him for 3 months last year and then he managed to worm his way back in before Christmas. He gave me the keys to his flat, which some might say is a gesture that shows that he wants me in his life, but that just puts the onus on me to come round while he makes no effort to even have to leave his own home to get sex. It is dawning on me that sex has always been best with men who just give me crumbs. How do I work on my self-esteem to stop this awful cycle? He mentions his exes all the time but I have never really got to the bottom of why they split up.
Confused as hell!!! If you overvalue sex you will get sex and not much else. It is like trying to strike up a LTR with a hooker — pointless. A couple years ago I decided not to have sex with any guy that 1. I could rely on the fact that It was accepted we had weekend plans together unless otherwise stated.
But at least I love myself. Absolutely soulless freaks of nature. SCUM… No respect for the place they were born from and as for us running around trying to get them to see it…. Pah they make me puke….. His daughter…. I love this website. Bla Bla Bla Bla. He could just have easily come to see me, or even, wait…call me on the phone, but no. So, I just stopped contacting him. And that was that. Two months later, not a word. Not a peep. I was so devastated at the time: up and down every day, checking my phone every hour, day-dreaming about the exciting life we could….
Maya, these men really know how to turn on the charm. Everyone adores his selfish, egotistical arse but they are only opportunists — nothing more. They know how to get what they want then disappear when they are no longer curious. Find someone worth loving. But reading through all the posts and comments on this site, one of the striking things is that there are so MANY of these men out there, and so many of them appear to have a near-identical modus operandi.
Allison: I work in Africa and happened to meet him at an event. At the time it seemed fated, fortuitous and intoxicating. In hindsight i just feel that I acted like a fool. Fortunately it only took me 6 weeks to realise what was going on. But still, I do feel a fool for falling for it. Ashamed: I agree with you. Time to stop letting the mind go back to it and time to stop feeling foolish and just move on, wiser, stronger and more confident. I appreciate the comments about the situation I encountered.
So ultimately, this was the same conclusion that guys who go out with you, talk extensively to you, have sex with you, but do not represent that they do want to be in a relationship has. I think it is almost sociopathic that a man can say he loves you then leave you a few days later. It is interesting that he takes 2 antidepressants. I am wondering if these medications cause people to feel abnormally — wondering how much is caused by medication and how much is caused by him just being an asshole and a user, and a pro calibre future faker.
The last one had worse ones — but never represented anything to me about his long term feelings and thus was more authentic — he just acted very erratically hot and cold, leaving and returning, etc. I am definitely not going to be involved with a guy with mental problems again.
No judgment, but I am not up to the task. I need substance and predictability, not flightiness, BS, and in-the-moment behavior. Both were very bright, handsome and fun guys on the surface, and I gave them the benefit of the doubt. The excuses change every day, but the true reason for their behavior, not likely to change.
And I admit I have treated others poorly using excuses. But, I used every excuse in the book rather than looked at the reason. Sure, a drug addict may steal to get a fix, may say cruel things to their family who loves them, but ultimately, an actual authentic, kind person can CHANGE, but often they are changing BACK into what they have always been, they just got lost on the path for a bit. The AC used money problems, his ex-wife, his kids, insert every other excuse here as to why he deceived me, used me, lied to me.
Do I believe its all survival and instinct that drove him? He did what he HAD to do to protect his kids? I could believe that in some instances…but not in his. I literally FEEL the manipulator he is and he is so far gone from his own reality and full of lies…. Sorry a bit off topic here…. I would like to add, taking my share of responsibility in this matter — that I believed and wanted to believe his words, and allowed myself to go deep very quickly, following his lead like a fish on a hook.
Can you believe I did have an intuitive hit that something seemed off, and I ignored it — my heart and my ego so wanted it to be true. I was even feeling some non specific anxiety — which I attributed residual feelings from my last boyfriend who was erratic, just assumed that I was having trouble trusting again. Believe me, in the future, I am going to pay careful heed to my intuition.
Intuition can seem so illogical. But man — it takes the pulse of the true energy of a situation, and bears careful attention. Absolutely spot on! This was my experience for 6 years…I look back and cringe at my behaviour in the situation. Timely, also, as I fell off the wagon this weekend and broke NC with the MM whom I have been trying to distance myself from, and see myself suffering the same feelings of anger, frustration and diminished sense of self as a result. That has made getting out all the harder, because we have both been doing the rationalization game.
He knows how hard I fell in love with him, but he always tries to play it off, making me out to be the paragon of cool; able to carry on a casual relationship without getting emotionally bruised. Case in point. This set back my emotional recovery significantly. But, it did give me some interesting insight into his mind and into his operation. It seems men leave a lot to be desired. The two rarely share characteristics. It may be education, profession, or family background, but that woman in their mind is their target girl.
It can take months or weeks to trust the feelings. No one likes to be pressured into making a decision earlier than they are comfortable with. Give men a break. Michael Carrying around a picture in your head of the ideal partner and then trying to hammer excuse the pun your date into that shape is no good for men or for women. How are any of the men in these comments being penalized? Yeah, we may be vetching about them but they. A lot of these women are basically on dial-a-lay. Not that it would make any difference. Give them a break? Have you read the comments?
Michael… While You make some good points,I tend to disagree with others. Now having said that,I am a strong minded woman and can see the redflags,and get the hell out of Dodge. But there are other Woman,that suffer from low selfesteem,insecurites,etc…. And these are the types of Woman these Men prey Upon.. I myself have never Been married,Nor have I been asked unless it was from some Future Faking Guy I had only known for a month… I do think your right when you say Men have 2 types they Date,I have been on the end of some Man saying I am not career orientated enough because I am a waitress????
Guess what this GUy ended Marrying a Lawyer,and she is a nasty Woman,going thru a divorce…I think its sad really when our worth is dictated by what we do for workandif our Family is not a tad dysfunctional…… I do thank you for your comment here,its always nice to see a mans point of view as well.. So, what am I — a woman that men will marry or a woman that men will abuse, treat casually or sleep with?
And lets not forget the poor women or men who are abused within their marriages. EU people get married too. All the time. Whether a man will marry you or not says nothing about your value or how good you are at relationships, or your career, or your family. Be the best you; no one else can do that better. I love a good waitress.