Empty Arms, Open Hearts

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I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. After becoming a mother, I've tried to look at the areas of my life I can improve and I've realized that although I've had a good grasp on most things, the one thing I could never seem to get a handle on has been my health.

This is a place where I feel I have no control and very little understanding. When I think about my declining health over the years, it makes me feel like a failure. I hate the fact that my body doesn't do what God intended it to do. The truth is once I truly face my prognosis, I feel defeated. I want to be proactive and face my condition head on.

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The first step of this is acceptance. In hopes of helping someone else who may be struggling with medical issues, I've decided to recap a bit of my history and how I was diagnosed. Before getting married, I had never struggled with any major health concerns, other than the occasional cramps and headaches. After about 9 months of marriage, my periods became less frequent and we had been convinced we must have been pregnant.

I had felt drowsy, tired, bloated and was gaining weight rapidly. After about 6 months of hit-or-miss cycles, 30 extra pounds of weight and stomach cramps, it was time to see the doctor. Eventually after numerous appointments, an additional 15 pounds and severe pelvic pain, I was diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis. I had never heard of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome but I learned it was a condition in which levels of the hormones are out of balance.

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Not only would I be faced with infertility, but the additional symptoms that I had been warned about were cysts on ovaries, heart disease, diabetes, high-cholesterol, unwanted hair growth, acne, obesity and endometrial cancer. That was a bitter pill to swallow. I quickly learned there was no known cause of PCOS and no cure and my case was quickly severe. This may sound shallow, but I think the most difficult part of dealing with PCOS in the first few years was dealing with my body-image after I had gained 45 pounds in a matter of 9 months.

The Day My Baby Was Due I Had Empty Arms

I was stillAM terrified of being perceived as a couch potato and someone who lacks self-control. I have to admit that I may have had one too many pizzas and lattes in the last few years to contribute to my weight gain, but it all spiraled out of control with my hormone issues. I learned my appearance was extremely important to me and I hated the person I had become. Thankfully God has shown me he loves me despite of my weight and has sent people in my life who feel the same way. I want to be the healthiest person I can be, even if that looks or feels different than others.

I need to embrace that I can change the statistics.

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I can prove the doctors wrong. I have three people in my life who think the world of me and they are worth fighting for. I want to be proactive about my health, and take back control, once and for all. Have you ever struggled with health concerns that made you feel helpless or overwhelmed? How did you tackle them? Wednesday, January 28, Days Later. When reflecting on the year, it was the most traumatic, unnerving, costly, stressful, exhausting yet GLORIOUS year yet, and I have some unwanted grey hairs to prove it thankfulforhaircolor.

Even more exciting, is for the first time in the last days, I feel content. For the first time, Andrey has went off to school with a large smile on his face and gave me a hug and kiss before leaving. I can also admit for the first time, I am extremely proud to parent two creative, witty, strong-willed, loving, outgoing, determined, brave, caring and joyful children.

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I have made a lot of mistakes in the last days, but as I look at the wide-eyed smiles on my kiddos, I feel content that I must be doing something right. Moments of pure bliss are common in my home and I have God to thank for that. God has been with us every step of the way. Taking that first leap of faith over three years ago has proven to be extremely rewarding. Okay friends, the pity party is over! It's time to prepare for the many, way more enjoyable, parties that await us in the holiday seasons.

As thanksgiving approaches, I find myself thinking of all God has provided for us in the last year and how His protective hand has been over us in the last year. This year could be summed up by so many life changing moments that showed me how miraculous and powerful God really is in my own life.

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Some of those moments are when we got the call to pack our bags and leave for Ukraine to pick up our children, when we arrived in Kiev and saw the devastating aftermath of the Maidan revolution, when we met our daughter for the first time, when the judge officially pronounced me to be the mom of Andrey and Katya and most of all, the moment we landed on American soil, complete as a family. We had made it out of Donetsk unharmed and our family had doubled in size. The overwhelming amount of emotions I felt in that moment will be engraved in my mind forever. God had provided a victory!

The moment that had kept me going through the crippling fear, anxiety and stress came to fruition.

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We were all finally safe and ready to walk into the loving arms of our family and friends. I have it in a box on top of our small desk in the kitchen and I open it up and look at it several times a week and just touch their names. He died July 15, , just 56 days after being diagnosed. The following year, we had more ability to plan ahead. We discussed where we might want to go and we shared most of the day together, and like on other occasions, we did find some activities that served as a temporary distraction, but we often found ourselves talking about Dylan.

They were best friends and did so much together, and he missed him terribly. They planted it in the garden on the side of the house that Gavin maintained in memory of his brother. In August , Gavin was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. He passed away shortly after Thanksgiving. I am a mom I have two sons And if we mention them, conversations kind of just stop. They also usually go out of the area. I go into a store and there are cards and signs reminding everyone to shop for their moms.

Fetal Disability Abortions: Empty Arms and Wounded Hearts

That relationship is as real for me as it is for the mom with living children. What hurts most, she said, is for people who knew her sons well to never speak about them to her or Dave. Create new account Reset your password.